The hare lost in a stunning upset to the tortoise today after wasting all its time and energy arguing with rabbits on the internet.
“The rabbits cost me this race,” the hare told a fawning press afterwards. “If only they’d kowtowed to my obnoxious, ignorant, condescending tweets, I’d have been victorious.”
Some other forest animals tentatively suggested that if the hare had simply run the race at a gentle pace it likely would have won comfortably. Such views have been widely dismissed as Russian meddling.
The tortoise, meanwhile, has sold the forest to private developers, who are scheduled to bulldoze all forest life next Thursday.
Government runs perfectly after being sprayed with WD-40
UK democracy is running like a dream after it occurred to a Civil Service intern to try spraying it with the ever-reliable WD40 spray.
Naysayers said that it wouldn’t work, that the workings of government are too complex to be solved by a mere water-displacing mixture, but boy were they wrong.
As if by magic, the rusty, warped, outdated system of governance groaned into motion within seconds of being sprayed and soon enough was as good as new.
Other nations are now looking at giving themselves the same treatment, with swathes of both the public and private sector said to be placing bulk orders of their own.
For its part a freshly sprayed military-industrial complex is wasting no time preparing for territorial wars over WD-40 manufacturing locations.
World leader takes a knee, resists reform
Neoliberal sweetheart Anthony Bellow delighted media pundits today by taking a knee in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement before announcing his opposition to any and all structural change.
The prime minister looked terribly solemn while posing for photographs in front of parliament, which is all that could be reasonably asked of a head of state during a time of crisis.
When asked afterwards whether his gesture would be followed by tangible measures like defunding the police and making body cameras mandatory for law enforcement, a visibly panicked Bellow said: “Oh god no. No. Of course not. Are you crazy?
“I think when you read between the lines of BLM’s concrete demands it’s obvious what people really want is vague noncommittal sympathy.”
He went on to announce the post office would be releasing a series of commemorative stamps next year, thus ending institutional racism and police brutality forever.
Willy Wonka declares bankruptcy following string of legal defeats
The Willy Wonka Candy Company declared bankruptcy today, citing a string of lawsuits that have made the confectionary empire’s business unsustainable.
Wonka had seemed untouchable for decades, but four horrible children have been relentless in their quest for financial compensation after being subject to highly symbolic traumatic events during an exclusive tour of the Wonka factory last year.
Company CEO Wilfred Gus Wonklestine, 48, told assembled press that all Oompa-Loompas had been made redundant and Nestlé would be absorbing the company assets. “I lose,” Wonklestine said. “Good day, sirs.”
Former heir apparent to the Wonka fortune Charlie Bucket, 11, has returned to his impoverished family and resolved never again to believe better things are possible.
Journalists foiled by ball on string
A crack team of Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists responsible for holding power to account and safeguarding democracy were foiled yesterday by a ball on a string, which distracted them from covering systemic police brutality.
This development is the latest in a string of journalistic failures, with leaders across the world attending press conferences with balls of yarn, throwing them near any reporters who ask difficult questions.
The sinister controlling forces of the world could hardly believe their luck upon the realisation that the world’s finest investigative reporters lose their collective minds when given the slightest invitation not to focus on important stories.
“It’s marvellous,” said top Republican and Democrat donor Keith Durham. “They totally lose sight of their responsibilities and focus on trivial nonsense, almost as if on command.”
Guy who does card tricks at parties finally gets laid
That bloke at social gatherings whose sole personality trait appears to be performing card tricks finally pulled some tail this week.
The guy - you know the one - could scarcely believe it himself when an attractive young woman was not just impressed by his ability to guess the right card, but positively enthralled.
According to witnesses, the unlikely couple went into one of the apartment’s empty bedrooms and appeared several minutes later looking suitably ruffled up.
The young lady lost interest later that same night, but for the amateur magician it was a kind of deliverance after years of indulgence and silent judgement.
Bob Dylan releases two-year, 17,408-verse song
Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan released an epic new song last night, its runtime clocking in at two years, three months, seven days, four hours, and two seconds long.
Supposedly recorded in one take, “The Long Goodbye” covers a range of subjects, including William Sherman’s scorched earth policy during the American Civil War, moon landing conspiracies, and recurring items on Dylan’s grocery shopping lists.
Reviews of the first day of the song have been largely positive - the NME gave it a groveling perfect score, as is tradition - though some have questioned whether this was really necessary.
Declassified documents reveal Jesus returned, was assassinated by CIA
Christianity has found itself in a bit of conundrum this week following the revelation that Jesus Christ returned to Earth in the 1970s but was killed by government agents before he had a chance to speak to anyone.
A collection of declassified documents, widely dubbed the Palaver Papers, recount Christ’s reemergence in rural Indiana in May of 1972 and his prompt murder at the hands of Central Intelligence Agency gunmen.
The messiah’s (cherry-picked New Testament) views of helping the poor and not killing each other had been deemed insurgent in nature and a threat to American democracy. The Palaver Papers reveal many senior government figures at the time believed Jesus was a communist. There were also concerns about what rapture would do to the stock market.
For the good of the nation, Jesus Christ was shot 17 times on May 7th, 1972, and buried in an undisclosed cave. His wounds were so fatal that he failed to reappear after three days. God is understood to have given up on humanity shortly thereafter.
The revelations are a doozie for doomsday types, who now have nothing to look forward to. A recent uptick in knitting clubs seems to be filling the void.
Book sales skyrocket as public invests in Zoom backgrounds
Printed book sales have increased by 247% in the last three months, according to statistics released by the publishing industry today.
This resurgence of the book trade had initially been attributed to people rediscovering their love of literature during lockdown, but actually it seems to have more to do with insecure professionals cramming as many books into their Zoom backgrounds as possible.
“I don’t want to look stupid during work meetings,” said web developer Hogarth Wilson during a video call in which the entire frame was filled with ornate leather-bound books that he obviously hasn’t read and never will. “If my bedroom doesn’t look like a library with a bed in it I’d come off like a right fool.”
Second-hand bookshops have been the main benefactors of this spike, their affordable prices being particularly attractive to those with no interest in using books as anything more than ornaments.
Nancy Pelosi delights Democrats by wearing #Resistance pin during political capitulation
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi struck a hammer blow against the Trump administration last night by wearing a #Resistance pin while voting for the Gut Civil Liberties Act.
In a majestic, many say historic act of defiance Pelosi, 80, also tutted quietly and shook her head while formally signing away the rights of United States citizens to privacy, a fair trial, and freedom of speech.
When asked afterwards why she didn't vote against the bill if she found it so objectionable, Pelosi muttered something about "tough decisions" then disappeared into the nearest elevator.
It is the latest in a string of public humiliations for the Republican Party, which has also had to endure Pelosi vaguely disapproving of the Even More Tax Cuts Act, the Destroy Social Security Forever Act, and the Get More Money in Politics Act. Those she also voted for and pressured other Democrats to do the same.
“That’s exactly the kind of fight I want to see from the Democratic Party,” said New York Times columnists Archibald Kennedy IV. “Take a good look, folks, you’re witnessing a political master at work.”
In a futile attempt to recover from this setback the Republicans are preparing to table a Reduce the Minimum Wage Act, which Pelosi will also vote for.
Clumsy DJ drops mixtape in river
Aspiring Michigan DJ Leonard Fleming was mortified yesterday after dropping a shit hot mixtape in the Detroit River by mistake.
Fleming, 22, was on his way to Lojo Records to give the reportedly brilliant recordings to his agent but was thrown off balance by an errant banana skin while crossing the Ambassador Bridge. The tape slipped out of his knapsack and sailed straight over the edge.
“It was the only copy,” the distraught artist told Whale-Lines reporters at the scene. “Number one material, no question.”
When asked whether it might have been worth making a backup he shook his head and sighed. “Some things are one of a kind, man.”
Trump sarcastically nukes Canada
President Donald Trump got one over on the liberal media yesterday by eviscerating all life in Canada with dozens of nuclear bombs.
The world had been concerned that the USA slaughtering millions of innocent people had been done seriously, but Trump later clarified that the whole operation had been sarcastic, you idiots.
“Trudeau was a bad man, a rude man, very very rude,” Trump tweeted as mushroom clouds rose high above the charred and highly radioactive land that used to be Canada. “He asked me why the US military was crossing into Canadian territory and stealing ventilators from hospitals. Very rude. The bombings were sarcastic. It was a joke. A joke.”
When asked what the joke was exactly, or what it had to do with the media, the president responded by tweeting praise of himself then retweeting those tweets and thanking himself for the support.
“These are nasty questions, very very nasty,” he eventually said in response to a Canadian exchange student whose entire family had been vaporized in the blasts. “People really need to lighten up.”
In happier news, coronavirus cases in Canada have dropped to zero and are likely to stay there indefinitely.
Satire returns after satirists take badly to real world
The genre of satire is back, baby, after millions of writers and comedians recoiled from the prospect of doing honest work for the rest of their lives.
“What can I say,” said newly restored comedian Eddie Blanche, “we just didn’t realise how much we love what we do until we started exploring alternatives. On balance I think this is where I belong.”
Cultural touchstones like Saturday Night Live, The Onion, and Private Eye have been revived with immediate effect. The Whale-Lines may or may not continue to publish cat obituaries.
Obituary: Baxter
Baxter the cat, 11, passed away last week after getting into an ill-judged fight with a fox. One of a litter of three, Baxter had been a fixture in the neighbourhood and was much loved by his family, though the feeling was not at all mutual. If anything Baxter felt deep disdain for his owners, seeing their unconditional, simpering love as a kind of weakness. He used humans for food and shelter and felt no affection for them, especially the children.
Obituary: Mittens
Mittens the cat, 8, passed away last week after a very, very brief battle with a moving truck. One of a litter of six, Mittens had been a fixture in the neighbourhood and was much loved by her family, though the feeling was not at all mutual. If anything Mittens felt deep disdain for her owners, seeing their unconditional, simpering love as a kind of weakness. She used humans for food and shelter and felt no affection for them, especially the children.
Satire discontinued following Trump’s latest press conference
The genre of satire has been formally retired after President Donald Trump suggested injecting household cleaning products as a treatment for coronavirus yesterday.
Writers and comics around the world have agreed it is pointless to continue and that we should all simply enjoy the company of our loved ones in the time left to us before humanity inevitably destroys itself and all other life on earth.
“It was a watershed moment, there is nowhere left for us to go,” said former comedian Eddie Blanche. “Something in me was extuingished that will never be rekindled. I do not yearn for death, but it is the only thing certain to me now.”
Cultural touchstones like Saturday Night Live, The Onion, and Private Eye have been discontinued with immediate effect. Henceforth The Whale-Lines will print cat obituaries and nothing else.
Dow Jones surpasses Christianity as USA’s most popular religion
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has overtaken Christianity as the majority religion in the United States of America, according to data released by the Census Bureau today.
Unquestioning, unthinking belief in the index has skyrocketed in recent weeks as the coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on the global economy. Believers are generally hardcore, with many advocating mass human sacrifice in order to appease their Lord and Saviour Dow Jones.
“Man was put on this earth to prop up the stock portfolios of obscenely wealthy vulture capitalists,” an impressionable middle-aged protestor told The Whale-Lines while polishing a semi-automatic rifle. “I’ve seen the light and I know what must be done.”
Dow Jonesism’s meteoric rise has coincided with a sharp downturn in Christianity. This is largely due to the deaths of millions of believers who ignored lockdown measures, went to church, and drowned in their own fluid around two weeks later.
It is understood that the newly vacated megachurches will be used to deliver sermons on Ayn Rand’s writings. Non-Dow Jones related issues like poverty, hunger, climate change, money in politics, press freedom, deforestation, mass extinction, and genocide will continue to be ignored.
Not having tattoos now cooler than having them, scientists say
Those without tattoos are now officially edgier than those with them, according to an extensive new study published by the Technical University of Munich today.
The decade-long study tracked the lives of 10,000 people and found the seemingly untouchable mystique of tattoos has been eroded by years of unimaginative choices and shoddy execution. Swallows, star-heavy sleeves, and names written in cursive on people’s wrists were highlighted as particularly egregious examples.
“There’s no getting around it,” lead researcher Dr Augustus Schweiner said, “tattooed people are now more likely to be perceived as conformist shills than those with no tattoos at all. If you want to seem employable be sure to have ink showing at interviews. Preferably something like a Deathly Hallows symbol.”
It has long been suspected tattoos have reached a tipping point, with uncool people now more comfortable getting them and sharing pictures of them with their uncool friends. The study found awesome tattooed people do still exist but are now very much a minority group.
The International Coalition of Interesting Inked People has convened an emergency conference in Helsinki to discuss the future of the artform.
Relief as only normal porn found on pope’s hacked computer
The Catholic Church breathed a collective sigh of relief today after it was revealed Pope Francis’ hacked computer only contained run of the mill smut.
The religious leader’s most sensitive files were leaked to WikiLeaks last week and there had been much trepidation about just what kind of pornography he watched.
Thankfully, he’s a perfectly normal pervert. Indeed, many have found it rather charming that he downloaded such tame stuff at all given its reportedly widespread availability online. When The Whale-Lines went to print #ThePeoplesPope was the world's top trending social media hashtag.
The pope’s favoured genre of porn is apparently - and predictably - naughty nuns. He had a whopping 12 terabytes of the stuff, all in glorious 4K.
An online directory of all the films, photographs, and fanfiction found on the harddrive has been set up at vaticantitties.com.
Ted Cruz melts after intern spills water on him
A national holiday has been declared following the unexpected demise of Texas senator Ted Cruz, who melted into a pile of mush after an intern spilled bottled water on him this morning.
Witnesses reported that aids were astonishingly slow to react. Cruz was less than pleased with the lack of urgency shown, vowing with his last breath to see all present “in hell, motherfuckers.”
The clumsy intern in question, Dorothy Bellows of Kansas, 19, is said to be mortified, but has received repeated assurance from Cruz’s constituents, colleagues, and family members that it really isn’t a problem.
“This all goes to show that talk of water shortages is just propaganda from the loony left,” President Trump tweeted five minutes after the incident. “The lovely young Miss Bellows has a bright future in politics. I’ll be keeping a very, very close eye on her. Believe me.”
Cruz had previously been the target of a splashination attempt in 2015, which was why he’d looked like he was melting for the last five years. No foul play is suspected in this case, and even if there was there’s been no suggestion anyone’s fussed about following up on it.
DC elites successfully moved to Truman Show-like dome
The American people are preparing for a bright and beautiful new chapter now that the entirety of Washington DC’s ruling class has been safely contained in a dome much like that featured in the hit motion picture The Truman Show.
In an epic nighttime operation codenamed Washington Bubble, thousands of morally bankrupt politicians, lobbyists, political pundits, and establishment journalists were drugged and relocated to a perfect replica of Capitol Hill in rural Virginia.
A nationwide conspiracy three years in the making, the dome was agreed to be the only realistic solution to institutional rot at the highest levels of government, business, and the media.
Those moved will henceforth go about their lives blissfully unaware that their actions aren’t having the slightest impact on American life. None are expected to show the slightest desire to leave the Bubble. If they do they will be lured back by invites to cocktail parties.
The real Washington DC will now be populated with honest, decent people in tune with American life and committed to its betterment, in keeping with the founding fathers’ wishes as outlined in the Declaration of Independence.
Democrats ‘unconcerned’ by reports that Joe Biden is the Zodiac Killer
The Democratic Party 'could not be more behind' presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden despite pretty compelling evidence that he is guilty of murdering at least seven people.
In a series of stunning scoops published last week by The Intercept it came to light that former vice president Biden, 77, is in fact the Zodiac Killer, who terrorised the San Francisco Bay Area in the 1960s and '70s.
Despite this seemingly disqualifying fact Democratic loyalists are determined to back Biden all the way to an ignoble and humiliating defeat against incumbant president Donald Trump on November 3rd.
"Hey look, it was fifty years ago," said campaign manager Jen O'Malley Dillon. "Are we really going to judge candidates by who they killed fifty years ago?"
Senior Democratic strategists are confident that when Trump's lack of decorum is pointed out voters will forget their reservations about Biden and fall in line.
Police had previously thought the Zodiac Killer's infamous ciphers were indecipherable because they were the work of a genius. They now realise it's because they were rambling incoherent gibberish.
Hayao Miyazaki announces new films at retirement party
Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki surprised absolutely no-one last night by admitting he would direct at least three more Studio Ghibli feature films.
As has become tradition for Miyazaki, he made these disclosures at a retirement party in Tokyo, his ninth since originally bowing out in 2005.
The as yet unnamed trilogy of films will be about aviation and the human condition - in that order - and be heart wrenchingly beautiful in every way.
"After these I'm done for sure," Miyazaki told stone-faced party attendees. "Once this trilogy is complete I can't bear the thought of making another second of film."
Miyazaki later told Whale-Line reporters that a fourth film was almost certain to happen as well.
Joe Hisaishi will score the pictures, which was a surprise to Hisaishi. He really thought they were done this time, the gullible old scamp.
Ironically vain Instagram star gets ironic nose job
Tongue in cheek Instagram user Brandy Earhart stepped things up a notch today by getting a rhinoplasty.
Earhart, 26, has more than 23,000 followers on the platform, just enough for her to pretend not to take it seriously but still secretly harbour dreams of social media influencing being a viable career path.
The cosmetic surgery is yet another top drawer piece of satire from Earhart. "#NoMakeup," she said in a post-op post in which her face and body were completely covered by bandages. "Sorry not sorry, am I right?"
For months Earhart has delighted followers with her ironically self-involved posts, often sharing dozens of stories a day in various outfits holding her cats. It was self aware so it was different. It was different.
From next week Earhart plans to add satirical product placements and hotel endorsements to her repertoire.
Dakota Johnson's feet land starring role in next Tarantino picture
The main character of Quentin Tarantino's upcoming feature film will be portrayed by Dakota Johnson's feet.
Johnson's feet, both 30, were among a slew of stars revealed to be attached to the project in a press release pushed under The Whale-Lines' office door last night.
The picture, entitled Bloody Knoll, portrays an off-beat yet uncannily intimate series of events surrounding JFK's 1963 assassination, with the finale expected to be a rewrite of history in which the president beats J. Edgar Hoover to death with a golf club.
Exactly what Johnson's feet's place will be in that arc is yet to be revealed, but Tarantino is understood to be adamant that they have extensive, some might say excessive, screen time.
Johnson herself is not expected to feature in any meaningful capacity.
Alabama to trial child armament scheme
Schoolchildren in Alabama aged seven and up will be issued sawn-off shotguns and buckshot ammo effective immediately, state officials have announced.
The measure, which will be trialled for six months, is the latest effort to reduce mass shootings. Students found without their shotgun will be fined to $1776 for contempt of freedom.
The National Rifle Association, which co-authored the legislation, has applauded the decision and dismissed concerned parents as treasonous communist scum. Republicans have echoed the NRA's sentiments. Democrats have taken to social media to blame Russia and congratulate each other for being part of the #Resistance.
"The only way to stop a bad kid with a gun, is a good kid with a gun," Alabama senator Babe Thomas said in a statement on Friday. "I wholeheartedly back the measure and look forward to seeing the next scumsucking mass shooter drown in a pool of his - or her - own blood."
It is understood that Florida and West Virginia lawmakers will be keeping a particularly close eye on the scheme’s progress, with views to roll out similar measures themselves.
Leftists lose election, claim future is theirs
Socialist leaders and activists were bullish after losing an eleventh consecutive national election, claiming a closer look at the demographics proves next time, next time, they would be victorious.
The centre left Fairer World Party won 24.7% of the popular vote, a four percent decrease on the previous cycle, while the Fuck You I've Got Mine Party tightened its stranglehold on all levels of government with 66.6% of the vote.
"The real story here is who won the youth vote," said Protector columnist Gertrude Kilmer. "I mean, we lost there too, but it was much closer than many people were expecting."
In light of this impending and inevitable glory, all levels of the party have resolved to change absolutely nothing about their policies, priorities, rhetoric, or campaign strategy for the foreseeable future.
Sources say the ruling powers are unconcerned by predictions of working class uprisings given it’s a demographic they’ve won handily for decades.
COVID-19 LATEST: White House prescribes burying head in sand
The coronavirus could be on its last legs thanks to a new miracle cure unveiled by the US Government today: burying one's head in the nearest available sand.
A painfully out of his depth President Trump revealed the new measures this afternoon during his daily press briefing. Two secret service bodyguards assisted pandemic advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci, 79, in a demonstration of the technique until he stopped moving.
"See?" Trump said. "Calm. Very very calm. Limp as a fish. Have you seen anyone so calm in your life? Not me, and I've seen some calm folks let me tell you." Etc.
World Health Organisation (WHO) head Tedros Adhanom quickly condemned the treatment as "offensively uscientific," going on to gently suggest the United States get its act together before thousands - if not millions - of people die.
WHO has since been designated a Foreign Terrorist Organization on account of violence against the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
Aliens abducted by Matt Bellamy
In a truly alpha move, rockstar Matt Bellamy stumped skeptics and naysayers alike yesterday by revealing he had abducted two little green aliens from outer space.
Bellamy, 41, best known as the frontman for British rock band Muse, posted a video of the aliens tied to chairs in what he described as a secret location but which was quite obviously his living room.
Between bouts of hysterical laughter, Bellamy said: "I told you. I told you. I told you. I got one. I got one. I'm going to find out what they’ve all been up to. I bet it's no good, the little bastards."
How exactly he pulled off this historic feat remains unclear, but local authorities believe it may be connected to a county-wide power cut that happened last week.
Muse drummer Dominic Howard, 42, also appeared in (what can only be described as) the hostage video, giggling and egging Bellamy on before bursting into sycophantic tears. Bassist Chris Wolstenholme, 41, is reportedly vacationing in Hawaii and could not be less interested in what his band mates are up to.
The abduction is a vindication of sorts for Bellamy, whose once peerless musical prowess has faded badly in recent years.
The little green aliens, addressed as 'Alan' and 'Melanie' in the video, tried making indecipherable garbling noises but were quickly silenced by good hard smacks to the face.
Bellamy demanded that further aliens turn themselves in or else much worse treatment awaited the unfortunate pair. "Time is running out," he said.
UN passes resolution for pirates to be more whimsical
The United Nations has updated the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to mandate that all peoples have a right for their interactions with pirates to be charming and fun.
Piracy has been increasingly associated with desperation, violence, and despair. Since 2010 there have been only two reported instances of piracy in which everyone involved had a splendid time or quite frankly had it coming.
Article 31 will take effect in September, allowing for a grace period in which pirates around the world can tidy up their behaviour. It is understood Disney will serve a consultancy role.
When approached for comment, Somali pirates took Whale-Lines reporter James Jameson Jr. hostage and said: "These measures are self-involved nonsense and have no place in hydrarchy. Who’s going to stop us? The Pirate Police?"
A Pirate Police task force is being formed as part of Article 31, composed mainly of students on gap years drawn by the promise of interesting Instagram feeds. It is unclear whether the Pirate Police will also have to conduct themselves whimsically.
The UN says it will fund the initiative by diverting money away from its Somali Assistance Mission.
Statue of Liberty deported to France
The Trump administration continued its crackdown on undocumented immigrants yesterday by shipping the Statue of Liberty back to France.
After months of legal challenges, the statue's defence team had exhausted all legal and illegal options and was left with no choice but to give her up to the authorities.
The statue, which was donated to the USA by France in 1886, has been dismantled and its parts stored on the Panamanian freighter Haven on Earth.
"We take immigration very seriously let me tell you," President Trump told assembled press yesterday evening. "She's not coming back. I guarantee it."
The development is a major blow to rhetoricians across the country, who often cited "The New Colossus", a sonnet at the statue's base, when making the case for a more open, loving world. A new plaque is to be installed bearing the Franz Kafka quote, "In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world."
The rest of the statue's old Ellis Island site is to be redeveloped with decadent apartments for the super rich.
France is said to be rather hurt by the whole affair and is exploring options to keep the statue in storage so no-one need be reminded of painful memories.
Record low seven war criminals nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Human rights groups the world over were elated yesterday when a mere seven war criminals were nominated for this year's Nobel Peace Prize.
The award has a proud history of nominating - and often awarding - prominent public figures in flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention.
"This at least marks a step in the right direction," said a visibly defeated Llorna Jackson, co-chair of Human Rights Watch. "The list of nominations is marginally less of a spit in the face of human decency than it usually is."
However, the collective death toll of those nominated is not the lowest it has ever been. In great part due of an ongoing series of indisciminate drone strikes by the USA, the (figurative) blood of a 72,843 innocent people are on the silk-gloved hands of this years nominees.
The Norwegian Nobel Committee shrugged off concerns that they were normalising mass murder, with a spokesperson saying: "If we nominated genuinely peaceful people no-one would care."
A smattering of pressure groups have highlighted the lack of women nominees, with #WarCriminalsSoMale one of the top trending hashtags over the weekend.
A lavish, star-studded ceremony will be held in Oslo, Norway, on December 11th with no sense of irony or self-reproach.
Mosquito rights activists firebomb Raid factory
A mosquito rights group was behind last week's industrial estate explosion in Bristol, police have confirmed. The attack killed 13 and hospitalised 57 more.
Suspicions had been rife since Wednesday when leaked security camera footage showed three men fleeing the estate wearing enormous papier mache wings.
The attack has been widely condemned as excessive. It marks the latest in the ongoing 'swarm' campaign against anti-bug spray manufacturer Raid, which has been accused of normalising abuse against insects.
"There is now no question that the attack was conducted by the Mozzie Liberation League," a law enforcement spokesman told Whale-Line reporters yesterday.
Mindy LeHouvre, chairman of FEMI, has distanced herself from the latest attack, calling it "unfortunate", but insists it was a product of "legitimate and righteous anger."
No suspects have been apprehended as yet, although authorities are confident of a breakthrough. The hunt marks the first serious test for the 'Butterfly Net' special task force set up last month in response to escalating insectal violence.
Logan Paul apologises for detonating atom bomb as 'prank'
YouTube personality Logan Paul has apologised for a 'prank' video in which he detonated a 34 megaton nuclear bomb in downtown Manhattan.
The video, which has received 4.8 billion views since being posted on Friday, shows Paul hiding a warhead in a family picnic basket and detonating it remotely. A reaction video posted on his second channel has been viewed 3.2 billion times.
An estimated 7.2 million people were killed in the blast, with the number likely to rise exponentially in the coming months. Paul's actions have been widely condemned as excessive.
His apology, posted on Twitter yesterday, said: "I'm really really sorry about the NY prank :(." Paul has since donated $2,000 to the Red Cross and encouraged his followers to give what they can.
Some of Paul's fans have taken to social media to defend him, dismissing the international response to his actions as a witch hunt. "Omg he said sorry leave him alone," one user tweeted on Saturday. "We all make mistakes."
When approached for comment, YouTube representatives said they are currently investigating whether Paul's actions breach community guidelines.
Local man mistakes being bright for being exceptional
Layabout Whelan Jones yesterday came to terms with the fact that although he is relatively bright, he really isn't all that great.
Jones, 38, had devoted most of his adult life to idleness, convinced that his superior intellect would spontaneously lead to success at some point or other.
Those familiar with Jones believe this unfortunate frame of mind was formed during his time at school. Several A-graded papers and a particularly simpering teacher gave him delusions of grandeur that he has been unable to shake for more than 20 years.
According to Whale-Line sources, Jones finally came to terms with his squandered potential (such as it was) after bumping into an old schoolmate he had previously considered dim. Though hard work and kindness she had achieved prosperity, happiness, and good prospects of early retirement.
Due to his unfamiliarity with hard work Jones has not yet acted on this revelation.
Next FIFA game to add racist abuse controls
The next installment of the FIFA Football video game franchise will include a variety of racist controls, EA confirmed today.
In response to calls for the games to be more realistic, the studio has been hard at work adding a complex system of prejudice and provocation. Working in a similar way to the diving mechanism, players will be able to shout 37 slurs in 12 languages.
Stadiums will have 'prejudice scores' in accordance with their reputations. These scores will update weekly as different hate crimes are reported throughout the season.
"We want our games to be believeable," EA Sports head Dwayne Thorpe said. "This is the kind of innovation that keeps bringing people back to the franchise."
The game's gambling mechanics are also being ramped up. Thanks to the 'Buy' buttons that have become standard in the current generation of console controls, players will be able to improve their performance with the non-refundable twitch of a finger.
A homophobic expansion pack is reportedly in the works to be released in time for the Euros.
As yet Barcelona star Luis Suarez is the only player confirmed to be appearing on the box next year.
UK government announces plans to build 2 million unaffordable homes
More than two million unaffordable homes will be built across the United Kingdom over the next two years, the government announced yesterday.
Conservative party donor and housing secretary Winston Hutherforth III, Esq. vowed not a single one of the luxury builds will cost a penny below four million pounds.
"The people have spoken and we have listened," he told a Facebook live chat on Friday evening while waving a mini Union Jack. "Never before has so much been built that will cost so much and be owned by so few."
Raw materials for the new developments will mostly be sourced from the Scottish highlands. Whale-Line reporters understand Holyrood was not consulted about this.
As part of the Conservative Party's efforts to consolidate northern support, 65% of the new builds will be in Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, Newcastle, and Hull.
An accompanying scheme for first-time buyers was also announced. Young professionals earning £50,000 or more a year will be able to purchase 5% stakes in unaffordable homes. Outright purchases will require up-front cash payment.
When asked whether this remarkable burst of competence, vision, and efficiency will carry over into social housing, High Speed 2, or the climate crisis, Hutherforth said: "No."
Perfect vacuum discovered in postmodernist college department
A whole new realm of astrophysics may have opened up with the discovery of a perfect vacuum in an Oregon university humanities department last week.
The phenomenon, which was previously thought to be impossible, was supposedly caused by a doctoral thesis about the post-structuralist interdimensional sexual connotations of sliced bread.
Dr. Leopold Schnizer, who led the team that made the discovery, said: "This changes everything we thought we knew about the way the universe works. If appears if statements are meaningless enough the very fabric of space and time simply fades away."
A 3,000 square mile exclusion zone has been established around the campus, which was evacuated immediately after the discovery. Only a handful of stubborn liberal arts students remain.
Although academics working in the department were kind enough to comment, no-one had the slightest clue what they were talking about, including themselves.
Star Trek spin-off 'Keeping Up with the Cardassians' confirmed
A new Star Trek series focusing on the lives of a Cardassian family was announced by CBS today at a celebratory party in Los Angeles.
The show, entitled Keeping Up with the Cardassians, will centre on the spoilt, self-involved children of Gul Dukat, a fan favourite character from Deep Space Nine.
CBS President Kelly Kahl, who attended the party, said: "Few franchises hold as many posibilities as Star Trek does. We're delighted to be pushing the envelope with this new series."
"Needless to say we're very excited about the product placement potential of the show. I mean creative potential. Creative potential."
Keeping Up with the Cardassians will take place on a starship called teh Goblar. Gul Dukat actor Marc Alaimo has been lured out of his retirement home to reprise his role. All other parts have been filled by various sons, daughters, nieces, and nephews of the producers.
Well-intentioned, policy-free petition reaches 27 million signatures
Sensible people across the world are imploring policy makers to act after a petition calling for people to be nicer to each other neared 30 million signatures yesterday.
The petition was set up by Elaine Swinson, 34, of Indianapolis two days ago after she read several news stories about murder, famine, corruption, inequality, and other such unpleasant things.
"I just felt like I needed to take a stand," Swinson said. "If people signing an online petition can't change the world then I don't know what can. I just don't know."
Support for the petition has spread like Australian wildfire, recieving endorsements from Oprah Winfrey, Jeb Bush, the Center for American Progress, and the IRA.
Suggestions from some circles for the campaign to put forward concrete policy proposals and maybe even organise real life protests has been widely renounced as a purity test.
Oasis reunite for car park brawl
Legendary rock brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher succumbed to pressure from fans and met yesterday for a punch up in a Tesco parking lot in London.
The duo, best known for their work with the British rock band Oasis, were egged on by fans and onlookers. Some are understood to have joined the brawl after Liam assaulted members of the crowd.
"They were madferit, d'you know what I mean?" Liam told Whale-Lines reporters over the first of thirteen pints.
Police broke the fight up before things got out of hand, though not before they had a good old laugh about it.
Noel, as ever, came off worse in the exchange and promptly drove off to recieve reassuring cuddles and sweet nothings from Bono.
Neither brother was harmed, as both have lost a lot of force since their heyday. However, those within earshot of Liam's screams said it was the best he's sounded since the 1990s.
Scientists generate electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave
Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology made history yesterday by successfully harnessing electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave.
In a watershed moment for turbine technology, the late author's cosmic fury generated 7,400 kilowatts in just two hours, enough energy to power the average home for an entire year.
The crack team of MIT scientists had been working in the village of Sutton Courtenay, where Orwell is buried, for three years prior to yesterday's breakthrough.
Project head Dr Edgar Brown told assembled press: "It's an incredible achievement, and we hope this is just the beginning. There's an incredible amount of untapped energy here."
George Orwell, author of Animal Farm and 1984, was chosen as the initiative's test subject following an eight month screening process which considered hundreds of deceased authors, activists, and intellectuals.
MIT is understood to be in talks with the estates of Martin Luther King, Jr., Aldous Huxley, and Clement Attlee, with plans to exhume the bodies and move them to a specialist plant in Arizona.
Noam Chomsky has also agreed to donate his body to the programme when his time comes.
Nick Clegg hired as spokesperson for North Korea Tourism Agency
Former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg revealed today that he is leaving his role at Facebook in order to serve as chief spokesperson for the North Korea Tourism Agency.
The move marks the latest in an illustrious career of apologetics for Clegg, who made a tearful farewell outside Facebook's headquarters in London before boarding a jet set for Pyongyang.
"There's no question the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has made mistakes in the past," Clegg said, "but having spoken with senior members of the government I am confident it can reinvent itself going forward and I'm excited to be part of that journey."
Clegg's salary is understood to be ₩18,473,738,592 (around £12 million) a year, with benefits including a cycle to work scheme and his very own labour camp.
Vince Cable was approached for comment but Whale-Line reporters were told he was napping.
Apple accuses architect of designing HQ 'built to collapse'
Apple is preparing to file a huge lawsuit against its contractor on Monday, accusing the firm of designing offices with 'planned collapsibility.'
Son & Son Structural Solutions secured a $1.2 billion deal in 2014 to build Apple's new headquarters in Death Valley. Construction on the 'Apple Core' campus finished in July 2017 and most of the structures inexplicably collapsed four months later.
"This was a deeply cynical and disgraceful abuse of trust," Apple CEO Tim Cook said on Tuesday. "I'd barely had time to settle in."
Apple workers are reportedly deeply disappointed by the shoddy craftsmanship of the campus, saying that having paid ludicrous sums for a flashy product they expected it to last for a long time.
Son & Son has expressed its sympathy for the situation and offered to build a new, better campus for $2.4 billion.
Jeremy Corbyn apologises for saying the road to Gulag was paved with good intentions
Labour leader Jeremby Corbyn issued a formal apology today for suggesting Soviet labour camps were well-meaning schemes gone awry.
Corbyn made the statements entirely unprompted when asked about nationalisation at a town hall meeting in Peterborough last week.
"It was not my intention to offend anyone or disparage the memories of millions of comrades who died at the hands of Soviet tyranny," Corbyn said. "I mispoke. Again. I hope this statement put's everyone's minds at ease."
He closed by saying the only for the country to move on from this was through a general election.
Stewart Lee tells joke
The comedy world was left reeling last night after '''comedian''' Stewart Lee told a joke during one of his standup routines.
Early reports suggest the joke, which had something to do with corn flake shortages, was not made ironically, nor was anyone in the audience chastised for laughing at it. It appears to have been a setup and punchline delivered purely for comedic effect.
"I didn't know what to think," said Harold Cole, who was in the audience when the joke was delivered. "I don't go to Stewart Lee gigs to hear jokes. I go to them to feel smart and sad. It wasn't fair of him to throw a joke in there like that."
No footage of the joke has surfaced as yet and police are refusing to rule out the possibility that no-one in the room was smart enough to catch on to whatever Lee was doing.
Lee has refused to comment on whether jokes will be playing a more prominent role in future routines.
Twelve unpublished novels found in Harper Lee's glove compartment
A dozen To Kill a Mockinbird followup novels have been discovered in the glovebox of Harper Lee's old car.
Tonja Cart, the Lee estate's executor, also claims to have unearthed two graphic novels and a Netflix miniseries script.
The books will be published as a collection for $350. The Legacy Edition will cost $1776 and come with a talking bust of Atticus Finch which spits out racial slurs whenever someone walks past it.
The Mockingbird Trust, a nonprofit dedicated to the preservation of Harper Lee's good name, has asked why the author didn't see fit to publish the novels when she was alive.
"She forgot," Carter told the press yesterday. "This is totally what she would have wanted. Frankly, some of the cynicism I've seen about this is exactly what Mockingbird was fighting against."
Warner Bros. has already snapped up film rights with Jennifer Lawrence signed on to play Scout. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has confirmed his involvement in the project but refused to comment on his role.
The discovery marks another stroke of luck for Tonja Carter, who has stumbled upon a number of Harper Lee projects since inheriting her estate in 2016.
Chelsea Clinton's unborn child announces Senate run
The unborn child of Chelsea Clinton has confirmed its plans to run for the Rhode Island junior senate seat next year.
The announcement, delivered yesterday by Chelsea Clinton during a fundraising event on Long Island, received rapturous applause from attendees. Speculation had been rife since the child's conception in May.
Democratic super PAC Priorities USA Action has already raised $13 million for the candidate, although grassroots support is also strong.
The official campaign Twitter hashtag, #imwithwhateveritis, has been used seven times since the announcement.
Reactions have not been wholly positive. "This is another example of gross nepotism within the Democratic Party," Ivanka Trump told reporters on Tuesday.
The foetus, touted by Nancy Pelosi as the bright young future of US politics, has yet to release any policy positions.
Jacob Rees-Mogg under fire for wearing 18th century silk pyjamas in Parliament
The right honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has shrugged off criticism following his appearance in the House of Commons yesterday dressed in blue and white striped pyjamas.
Members of the Opposition have called the choice of clothing insensitive to the day's topics, chief of which were sexual assualt, NHS cuts, and the Grenfell disaster. Rees-Mogg smoking a pipe during the latter was deemed particularly distasteful.
"It is a disgrace to turn up to the House of Commons dressed like that," Emily Thornberry said in a statement released today. "The teddy bear just added insult to injury."
Rees-Mogg has been unphased by the criticism. "It's typical left wing hysteria," he drawled to a Whale-Line reporter today. "Members of Parliament have adorned themselves in such fine attire for centuries, and bears are exceedingly noble creatures."
He appeared to be wearing the same jammies as the day before but had swapped into a fluffier pair of slippers.
